Who says the journalistic standards of the BBC are slipping?

2 04 2012
Screencap of "Indecent image Priest" news story

Eugene or Martin, which is it?

This was pointed out on the Twitter about an hour and a half ago (time of this posting is 13:00) and it’s still there. Have they got the unpaid intern filing copy again?

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Antony Worrall-Thompson to host new week-nightly chat show “Ready…Steady…TALK!”

29 03 2012
Antony Worrell-Thompson towards the end of his talk show

"Tonight my guests will be Micheal McIntyre, Victoria Cohen and Joseph Kony.......DANCE FOR ME, MY CHICKENS, DANCE!"

Addressing the need for a British answer to the week nightly late night talk shows such as Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, beleaguered gastronaut and criminal genius Antony Worrall-Thompson  has stepped up to the crease.

Each guest has to bring cheese and wine to his interview-throne before the conversation starts. So much bounty is brought by guests to garner the interest of Worrall-Thompson that a pile of uneaten cheese and wine grows behind him day by day and week by week until his gorged and jaded palette nudges him further into belligerence and madness.

As the endless parade of entertainment hopefuls and showbiz luvvies are brought before him with their rehearsed anecdotes and desperate faces his eyes grow darker and darker until one can no longer tell where they are under the crusty, ginger,  judgmental-cheese sweat. Ever expanding like a kitchen-white clad Nero, Antony becomes hell-bent on his own destruction while trying to obscure his rancid bulk with the illicit pile of shop-lifted trinkets and baubles brought in tribute to him every show.
 By the end of the year and in the most infamous episode Worrall-Thompson interviews Micheal McIntyre about his new sitcom “What’s The Deal With Airline Food?” while wearing only a nappy,a crown made of cheese and sitting on a raised dais of silk sheets draped over piles of luxury meats. McIntyre attempts to catch the interest of the bloated gourmand but overindulged with food and wine Antony is instead distracted by the sight of two despondent grandmas from Hull, nude and wrestling with a 17 inch dildo in a tattered paddling pool full of brown jelly.
The plump matriarchs from the bitter North roll desperately around the goo filled pool while straining to violate each other with the shiny black sex toy (as per the terms of their contract.) Though clearly audible and occasionally drowning out the drones of chit-chat the tragic spectacle is kept off camera despite Antony’s attention being focused upon the ladies rather than his guest.
  A small splatter of the brown jelly lands on McIntyre’s expensive tailored suit to the comedian’s discomfort while he attempts to relate a story about his hysterical difficulty in opening a carton of tetra-pak orange juice. For the first time in the interview Antony’s attention is brought upon the struggling and repulsed McIntyre and the distended mass of the former chef shudders with guffaws at the ridiculous spectacle.
  Worrall-Thompson wipes his pleasure from the side of his mouth with a £50 note then beckons his wretched minion of a production assistant to lead Micheal McIntyre off stage so he can watch the Hull-maidens more intensely. More wine is brought to him and olive oil is smeared onto his shiny buttocks so he can move into a more comfortable position.
(With thanks to Jamie “Bomber” Blanche)




The Curious Case of Anton Lorien:Patriot, Armed Forces Fanboy, Wannabee Pop Star and Scientologist

23 03 2012

Like many who “get” Twitter I keep an avid interest in who chooses to plug into my ranty funnel of vulgarity, revolution and pop culture trivia. I am intrigued by my followers, my curiosity draws me to find out who they are, what makes them tick and why so many want me to make more money fast or have a free iPad.

On the evening of Thursday 22nd March a Twitter account by the handle of “@WeRTheBrits” decided to follow me. Now, I’m not down with the whole “Nationalism” thing, for me right now there are only two nations; in one corner we have “The Internet” and in the other we have the murky grey horror of “The Real World.”

Not that I have anything against Britland, there are plenty of worse places to have been born in and the land has a certain charm. Plus, until last Tuesday it had a National Health Service which had seen me fine (and once paid for me to have a laser fired up my cock.) But for decades the logo of Britland had been co-opted by the sort of illiterate racist EDL nutjobs who talk of  Muslims and their “Ray Guns”. Seeing as @WeRTheBrits is so fond of that symbol I had to use my internet powers to check them out.

Twitter page of @WeRTheBrits

Thankfully there wasn’t anything racial on We Are The Brits’ twitter stream.There was however, a lot of promotion about a video on Youtube called “We Are The Brits” a charity single created (in the same way Cthulhu “created” his hellish star-spawn) by a character who calls himself Anton Lorien

WARNING: I’ve not watched this video all the way through, and certainly not with the sound on so there might be scenes of Royal Weddings, middle class white boy’s attempts at the hip hop and clips of Princess Di healing the sick.

I can only imagine this video is the sort of thing the Government would play on all channels in the event of a nuclear war. Anton Lorien’s strangely chilling blue eyes could be the last thing you see before you’re just a shadow burned into the lounge wall as those Iranian missiles fall upon this green and passive aggressive land.

But hey, who am I judge? The guy just really really likes this country, unless he’s throwing bacon at a mosque he’s not doing any harm is he?

I mean, just because The British Monarchy League have a hard on for him doesn’t make him Margaret Thatcher does it?

British Monarchist League

Someone better tell them about the British Empire and world history since 1945, quick!

(For the record my thoughts on the Monarchy can be read here )

So Anton Lorien might be the poster child for the sort of British Patriotism found in V For Vendetta, at least he isn’t into some kind of creepy cult devised by a madman, eh?

Oh wait, I mentioned Scientology in the title didn’t I?

From this site we start to get a clearer picture of the wacky world of Anton Lorien. It appears that wee Anton is down with the Scientology crowd, that bastion of sanity and openness which has been enticing Hollywood celebrities and the emotionally vulnerable since L Ron quit writing bad stories and instead babbled incoherently while on drugs to a paying audience of fools.
(I know, it’s the sort of life I aspire to but at least my cult would be more fun and have a better story!)

Once you look at the work of the Anons and others who fight Scientology you start to gather all sort of interesting facts about our patriotic crooner. For example, from this website we learn that Anton was responsible for indoctrination a girl called Natalie Milsom who was mentioned in this Daily Telegraph article about new cults and the disastrous affect they have on people. Oh yes, he was also Sacha Baron Cohen’s body double in Borat too.

Yeah I know, it just gets weirder and weirder doesn't it?

So then, this is the kind of freak who follows me on Twitter. A Monarchist Scientologist who makes appalling charity singles to “Support Our Troops” and who knows how he is using that organisation to recruit vulnerable war widows or PTSD soldiers into the welcoming bosom of the Arch-Messiah Hubbard. Fuck knows what other kind of shit he has going on behind those piercing and deeply unsettling eyes of his, I wouldn’t be surprised if he weren’t naked and raving against the hot San Diego sidewalk in a year’s time with a Union Jack shoved up his bleached anus.

I'm not saying it's true but having known someone with NPD I get the same level of creep off Lorien.

So that is my curiosity about my latest Twitter follower satisfied. I say latest follower but after I did a bit of Anon style trolling and posted this…

@WeRTheBrits unfollowed me (boo-hoo.)

A lucky escape?





Nutter report: 13th March 2012

13 03 2012

In the vain hope this blog is beamed by radio telescope tens of light years away to the intelligent balloon monkeys of Gilese 581d as an example of what life is like on dear old planet Earth I feel it apt to relay what I have seen today as an example.

From Yahoo News:

9 year old girl gives birth.

For the benefit of the Gilesean Monloons this is not a normal thing for us humans. This is very bad.

How bad? Bad enough to generate this response from someone apparently capable of operating a keyboard (although not the Caps Lock it would seem)
CATS MARRYING DOGS?! WHAT NEXT!? SAVE US JESUS!!!!!Yeah Monloons, we’re out there and we roll like this. Be afraid.

 

 





Stephen Fry voices concerns about KONY 2012

12 03 2012

Stephen Fry voices concerns on KONY 2012





Jack Frost:An enchanting story of a boy who makes a snow golem of his dead dad which isn’t creepy and unsettling at all….

28 02 2012

“Why didn’t you make me a snow cock so I can make love to my wife one last time??!! WHAT AM I?!?!?!”

 The noted critic Roger Ebert referred to the CGI abomination that was summoned into being and cursed with the nomenclature “Jack Frost” as;

“….the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects.”

He wasn’t wrong. Released into the wild in 1998 and starring Micheal Keaton, (who was clearly in need of a new swimming pool) this was supposed to be a bittersweet children’s movie to warm the hearts of America. It is  hokey tale about a musician dad who let his son down by getting killed in a car accident whilst on tour and being cursed to walk the Earth as a being made of ice crystals and coal until he has repented for his sins.

The more you look into this concept the more horrifying it becomes as you realise the nightmarish situation Micheal Keaton finds himself in, conjured into being by his son who hasn’t thought out the ramifications of his unworldly act. Summoned back into being from beyond the grave Keaton’s soul is stuffed into a body incapable of feeling the warmth of human contact once again for fear of melting and who fears the first signs of spring as anyone nearing their 30th birthday would in Logans Run.

Jack Frost first gazes upon the monster that he has become

What am I?!! Why am I?!!!

 The cheesy trailer for Jack Frost, with it’s hackneyed tropes and predictable one liners belies what is really a chilling warning to all Dads whose work  keeps them away from the family home. Not even death will end your suffering in this universe for you may be brought back to atone for your lack of parenting by being reanimated as a sexless plaything for your offspring. Between bouts of hi-jinks with bullies and capers on snowboards your eternally dammed soul will be left to ponder the awful horror of your situation as you are left outside in the cold and dark to watch your best friend (played by a tired and chubby Mark Addy) usurp his way into your family while local dogs urinate on you with total indifference.

 In defense of the soulless atrocity that stares back at you from the silver screen, with it’s haunted eyes the snowman was originally designed by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop to imprison George Clooney but as he was in the ascendant while Micheal Keaton was on the wain Jack Frost’s contorted visage was stretched over a face for which it wasn’t  originally intended. The abortion of a creature was left spluttering around in existential crisis, muttering butt jokes and cheesy puns based on it’s cryogenic form.

Micheal Keaton & George Clooney

For months Hollywood was all talking about who would take the lead in Jack Frost. Then it was settled in a steamy bath house in a trial by bestial man-strength.

 Jack Frost’s identity crisis continues through the film, eventually his mind is tormented to the point of delusion and he snaps. Proclaiming himself to be “The Wizard of Blizzard” he goes berserk and attacks a large group of children before abducting his son and going on a joyride down a snowy mountain side.

 

“Yeah Charlie, I’m your Dad!! The mutherfucking Wizard of Blizzard!………………….kill….me…….”

You can’t blame Jack, many an estranged father must feel like running off into the sunset with their children after the courts have passed their judgement but few have to deal with the added torment of having died and being reincarnated into the body of a man made of snow. A demented James Bond style death chase and impromptu spell of confused gender identity must seem like a sane course of action for a man troubled by his deadbeat parenting and onward march of the seasons.

Snow Dad fashions some crude breasts to tantalise passing teenagers

"Dads Gone Wild: Apsen Edition"

 Sadly this spiral of irresponsible and self destructive behaviour continues and driven by some misguided sense of duty Jack Frost stumbles his way to a ice hockey rink where his son is playing an important  tournament against a team led by ultra-competitive dad and go-to guy for thick necked bit parts in failed 90s block busters, Henry Rollins. Despite the trauma of having to deal with an icy simulacrum claiming to be his dead father (and undoing a year’s worth of grievance counseling ) the boy Charlie manages to win the game and the respect of his peers only to have this moment of triumph ruined by discovering his snow-dad slumped drunk under the bleachers.

Charlie discovers Jack Frost drunk under the bleachers

"Why did you do this Dad? This is just like the time you spoiled my 9th birthday party and blew chunks over the magician!"

Can we really blame Jack Frost for turning to substance abuse to deal with his insane situation? Do many of us have the clarity of thought and strength of will to hold things together when the temperatures are rising and the cruel mockery of a human form that your body now is starts to degrade back into the earth from which it came? Sadly, or maybe mercifully for Jack his time is nearing an end. Charlie bundles his rotting snow-replicant dad into the back of a truck headed for the Rockies to die a lonely and best forgotten death next to some Unabomber style wood cabin.

Jack Frost didn’t do brilliantly at the cinema, it didn’t make back it’s estimated $50 million budget nor did it revitalize the flagging career of Micheal Keaton (but lest we forget he did some cracking movies when we were little.) It did however put the fear of whatever deity fathers hold dear should they let down their children by getting selfishly killed in a car accident. When Jack Frost first comes back into existance he howls at the cruel and unoriginal universe which had brought him back into being, and what better message to give children these days? 🙂

“When Jack Frost first comes back into existance he howls at the cruel and unoriginal universe which had brought him back into being, and what better message to give children these days?”

Jack Frost at the IMDB

Roger Ebert’s review in 1998





In the great Cetacean War……

23 02 2012

…… there will be heroes and villans on both sides in the battle for Earth’s oceans but here is an interesting fact about Killer Whales.

comment from The Guardian

From a discussion on culture and how it make Humanity so clever (and occasionally evil.)

COLLABORATORS!

"My only allegiance is to where my next fresh whale tongue comes from!"